A Collection of Thoughts 4/22/16-5/4/16

i am so lucky to see the things i see

things move so fast and things move so slow at the same time.
i know i will not be drowned in the undertow.

why do I slow down when I taste success?

you are already glorious, you do not need another to make you feel that, to remind you.

mental disorders do not define you; they are only a tiny part of the great big entity that makes you, you.

you deserve a love that's as big as the one within you.

it's okay to be 'alone', because you are never truly without someone that loves you. you have the  prismatic you that is yourself, the nature around you is looking out for you too. if the earth didn't love you, why would it still light up the sky in a spectrum so that something other-worldly, something so beautiful it's almost fiction, is the first thing you see before you go to bed and when you wake up? if it didn't love you, why would it work so hard to show you hope?

i live for the beauty all people contain, that beauty inside that's an enigma, a supernova with all the intricacies of them within themselves. a person's soul is like a garden with the passion of an ocean and the reflections of gold and onyx and sapphires and opals; I know that's quite abstract but it's the only way I can think to describe a soul.
 I think it's an odd metaphor because people are not all the same and superbly complex and that's something to respect.

no one can tell you what to weigh, as if that dictates your worth. take up as much space, both literally and metaphorically. It's an honor for anyone to witness you, both body and soul.

we've got to do what we can while we can. the world is waiting for our talents, our truths, our stories, our passions, our love.
you deserve to do what you love, and it's selfish to not share your grandness with the world.

take pride in you, all of you, every last milliliter of that indescribable you.

-t.c.

Ways to Help Cope with OCD and Trichotillomania/ My Experience

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Trichotillomania is something that faces a lot of erasure and stigma in society I think. Often times, when OCD is shown in the media it's some person that just likes to keep their desk organized for no other reason than that, and is like "Oh my gosh, I'm so OCD!!!!!!!!!!!!" or a character is shown to have symptoms but the disorder is never mentioned, it is only said that the character is having a breakdown. Trichotillomania is very rarely mentioned in the media, which is partially because it can be triggering for some individuals, but no education is ever presented on the subject. Both of those do harm to people with OCD and/or Trich and the people without; the people with the disorders are left feeling alienated because all we see are surface level explanations and inaccurate, isolation depictions, those that do have the disorders but are not aware still won't know what is happening to them and feel so alone, and the people that do not will not know how to empathize and care for people with the disorder because they do not know what it is. OCD and Trich ravages your mind with worry and often times leaves one scared of themselves and the whole world, but please know you have no reason to be so full of fear. My family hasn't allowed me to see a therapist for my disorders (but please, if you are able to, speak to a professional), and these are the things I have learned taking care of myself, I hope they help you.

• Accept your emotions, address them, and Check in with your self

I think the turning point for me, in which my OCD and trichotillomania started to not be so severe, was when I started to accept my emotions, and know that the scary thoughts and OCD episodes (I guess that’s what you would call them?) are going to happen, so the only thing I can do is work on getting them to happen less. For  a long long time, I tried to block out a lot of my emotions because I thought that that would stop  all the unwanted thoughts, ritual behavior and unending panic. I also did that  because my OCD is/was based a lot on the fear of others getting hurt, so I thought that if I talked about what was going on or if anyone saw, it would somehow be a burden for them to know (WHICH IS COMPLETELY NOT THE CASE, quite honestly, anyone that says your mental disorder is a burden for them is a pretentious asshole, not worth your time, and needs to get the hell out of Ableist Avenue and schedule a long stay at Learn Basic Human Empathy Boulevard ). Shoving my emotions down made everything so so much worse, made me become moldable (my personality melding into what I thought others wanted me to be) and made me feel so empty with a continuous cycles of draining outbursts of emotion. It felt like waves of emptiness while being in something that felt like death and you do not deserve to live in that, so please I beg of you, do not shove this down within you.
You are human, and every emotion you feel is okay. *breaks into I Am Not a Robot by Marina and the Diamonds**. Don’t let people belittle what you feel, because ultimately you know you best, so you know what’s best for you. Another thing I’ve practiced is asking myself why I feel a certain way, not in the way that’s like “YO TALIA WHY ARE FEELING SAD YOU AREN’T ALLOWEDDD”, but moreso like “Hey girl, I know you are feeling this way, and that’s okay. Is there a something going on that propelling this feeling?”. And sometimes there isn’t a reason why, and that’s okay too. But if there is, I try address the problem and see if there’s a way I can help myself heal. It’s okay (and not selfish AT ALL) to check in with yourself and want to find ways to help/want help for what’s going on inside.

*this song has actually really helped me, I really recommend it

• Treat yourself

You are living in a daily warzone, and you deserve rest. Indulge in the things you love and without shame, because you deserve happiness and a bit of sunshine through all this.

• Talk about/express yo feelz

I really really want to emphasize this, because talking about what you are going through brings so much relief. And if you don’t feel comfortable talking about what’s going on, expressing what you feel through art forms like writing, singing, dancing, painting, conceptual photography, and things similar, helps in coping so so much. But please never ever remain completely silent or push what you are feeling deep inside, because you do not deserve to live in the constant drowning of suffering that causes.  It is not a burden for other people to hear about what you are going through. Talking about what’s happening raises awareness, and whoever you are talking with, someone that overhears the conversation, or, if you make art based on what you feel, whoever sees the form of awareness you’ve made, may be going through something similar, and may be inspired to have the same courage you did in speaking up, or feel alot less alone in what they are going through. I know its extremely scary to talk to your friends about what you are going through, but believe me they will be there for you and will not think you are some outlandish being for what you are suffering through. If you don't have someone to talk to, never be afraid to shoot me a DM on instagram ( @taziacira ) or twitter ( @taliatatertot),

• Remind yourself of your glory

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS SUPER CLICHE. But it’s super true/helpful. You are capable of conquering the worst of this. I know it’s hard to believe sometimes though, because us humans are inclined to deprecate ourselves, or not see our beauty because we see ourselves everyday and in turn, become used to what we see, ya know? Doing things like looking in the mirror and saying or thinking “I can do this”  and “I am capable” and “I am beautiful” each morning and throughout the day  really helps to reinforce the I CAN DO ANYTHING mindset. Because you can do anything, and you can conquer this, and I say this with every ounce of earnestness and love and truth.

• Identify when trichotillomania is most likely to happen, and keep your hands busy

The usual times for me are when I’m studying, idle or watching T.V., and/or when something is stressing me out. Usually Trichotillomania occurs simultaneously when OCD happens, as OCD is an anxiety disorder. During these times I try to keep my hands busy through doing something that I really love or I think could help other people, like making bracelets, drawing, making shirts with feminist phrases on it (HECK YEAUUh)and other things of the like.

• Take a moment

I still struggle with OCD and trichotillomania today, and when I am in a moment of either two, I try to stop myself and think: Is this real or really going to happen? and Is this what I really want to be doing right now?. I know sometimes it gets so hard that you can’t detach yourself, but starting small and gradually enforcing asking yourself this  helps out so much. And when you realize OCD or Trich is happening please take a moment to just hug yourself, your mind is going through wars and you deserve so much happiness.

• Find something you love to do, and do more of it

Whether it is making art, doing nude photography, playing sports, or walking your dogs, find something you love to do and do it as much as you can (as long as it’s not harmful to yourself or other people, like lighting trash cans or people on fire or something like that).
It is not selfish whatsoever to do what you love
For me, this comes in the form of writing music, creating feminist conceptual photography, making weird videos, singing, taking walks and having convos with my dogs. And it’s extraordinary because when I am doing those things, I rarely ever feel an inkling of OCD or trich occur, and if I do, I am able to sense  and address it more because I’m so focused on doing what makes me happy. De-stress as much as you possibly can as well, whether it be you doing quick lil thangs like taking some time in the morning to plan out a loose schedule of your day/ just to think about things, or watching youtube videos on self-confidence boosters (Marie Forleo’s channel is AMAZING for these), or bigger ones like getting a couple more hours of sleep or making a diy spa day. 
Also THIS IS AN ODD ONE, if you can’t sleep with the lights off like me, try to get darker colored sheets to put your head under and/or  have a light farthest away from your bed/ a night light (if you can), because your brain very much needs time to relax and the less amount of light near you when you are  in sleepmode will help it do so.

I really hope these help you. I also hope you know that it is completely okay to put your mental health before everything else. Please remember that you deserve to be happy, and that disorders do not define you, and that those things are a small small part of the beautiful, super fucking unique beautiful person that you are.Do not fear yourself or your mind or hate you or your mind because of the OCD and Trich that run through it, please know that every ounce of you is so so glorious. You can get through this because you just working through this is a huge victory and you have to much to be proud of of yourself.

all my love to you, forever and ever and ever (and LETS SPRINKLE IN ANOTHER EVER WOWZA),

t.c.

Relationships and Love (Confusing Things)

Gosh, gosh, gosh, gosh, gosh and bring it back now y'all with one more gosh. 

Lately I've had such a want for a relationship, but not for the status-symbol type of way. Like, the only way I can describe is feeling an emptiness in my heart, like there's something missing. This emptiness doesn't feel like the bad type though, I think it's just a resounding feeling of idleness.
      I don't know, sometimes I just really want someone to experience all the beauty the world has with, to laugh about memes and random ass shit with, to cuddle and hold, to talk about the scary things and the things in the world that need to change, and maybe, ya know like make-out with for 4+ hours.
     But whenever I think of this, I'm also reminded that like yo, I don't need a significant other (as this lil lady is bisexual/pansexual) to do all those things, I can do all those things with myself (except ya know making-out and cuddling, which I mean I suppose I could press my face up against a mirror, but like that really ain't my jam (BUT NO JUDGEMENT IF THAT'S YOURS BBY)). If a relationship happens to happen, that's totally fantastic, but I think it's important to know that it's just as wonderful to do all relationship-ey things with yourself. Why are so many things romanticized as only relationship activities, and when someone does something nice for themselves, like buy themselves flowers or chocolate or take themselves out to a movie, everyone's ableist and pretentious as hell as is like "YOU ARE SUCCCCHHHH A NARCISSIST". Why does society enforce that we have to have someone else to treat us nice, as if we were not allowed to be able to do that for ourselves. Date yourself dammit! It's vital, I think, to love doing those things that society romanticizes as ONLY COUPLE THINGZ (which is super alienating to the ace community too) with yourself before going into a relationship too, so after you get out of a relationship, the memories of it don't corrode the activities y'all did together. I need to learn to love myself and just do me before I share myself with another, because I don't want to lose myself in someone entirely.

I think the synopsis of this whole spiel is that loving another (or others ) is a beautiful thing, but loving yourself is just as important and should have more importance in society, because you deserve to have love for yourself come from yourself because you are the thing that's with you forever, and if marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment of love, why can't we all make a life long commitment of love to ourselves?

This ramble of thoughts has been brought to you by this lady,

all my love to ya, and as always my DMs are always open on Twitter and Instagram if you need to talk (seriously, if you ever need to hit me up), or wanna rant about the kyriarchy.

- t.c,

P.S. BUY A DIAMOND RING, GET DOWN ON THAT KNEE AND SAY "hello myself, let's get married because I am a heck of a load fine inside and out." AND MARRY YOUR LOVELY SELF MM YES